Spoilers: Full Disclosure

Rating: PG-13

Summary: “I don’t have anyone else I can apologize to.”

Author’s Note: This is the first post-episode I think I’ve actually written. I wanted it to be better. But, I couldn’t seem to find the words for the feelings I had. And, of course, the title sucks.

For: K.K.A. – Sounds like a sorority, doesn’t it. Well, I suppose it is in a way. But you guys are the most anyone could hope for. You make me want to write better – sorry I didn’t with this one. I adore you three!!

Disclaimers: I quoted two characters from the episode “Full Disclosure”. Otherwise, the rest of it is mine. And I don’t have any money – so save yourself the trouble and forget the lawsuits.

Feedback: Is my one, true addiction.

Discomfort

He walked slowly back to his office. Almost stumbling under the weight of his feelings. He hates this. Knows deep down that there isn’t anything more he can do. He understands that she wants to carry this burden alone. Always has.

And yet.

He was there. He knew the exact moment when it happened. He knew the exact second that she failed herself. And he stood helplessly; anchored to a woman he should have cared for more. Watching the woman who held, who still does, the largest part of his heart, his soul. He watched her take that first step to a lifetime of keeping this one regret. And he can’t take that back for her. He still keeps his guilt over it hidden from her.

He reaches his office and flicks the light switch on the wall down. That would be too much light for her tonight. And he knows that she will be here. Eventually. So he settles into his chair and turns the desk lamp on. And he waits. Just as he had that night ten years ago.

He pushes papers around. Jots a few notes on the legal pad about school vouchers. Tries to think of work, the President, Chinese bras. Anything to not be thinking of her and who she’s talking to now. What he might be saying. He is not surprised at his failure to do so.

He can see her in his mind, still sitting in that chair. Still wearing her coat. He can hear the liquid in her voice. See the guilt and shame on her as easily as the tears gathered in her eyes. The confession she gave to him is the same every time they have spoken of it. And he knows they have spoken of it four times now.

He shakes his head at the realization that those conversations are more clear and real to him than the discussions he had of divorce with his wife. He should have known when he first met her that she would forever be the one to stay in his mind, his veins. On some level he is aware that he did know. But he had taken the easy road away from her. He knows that if he hadn’t she would have run farther than he could have been able to follow. She has always been a runner. And he has walked the tightrope of judging how far she would run each time.

The Senator had made her run to Los Angeles and a career in Public Relations. He had sent her to Hollywood. And he had known that was okay – he could follow her there. When the time came.

He wishes that he were a better speaker. Someone who could say things of comfort and love. Instead, he is a writer. He can write these things with ease. He almost changes his mind. But, before he can he has ripped off the top sheet of the legal pad with the promise of better education. And his pen is moving almost of its own volition.

~*~

Toby was bored. He hated these kinds of things. He had never been good at small talk and polite conversation. Particularly with people about whom he couldn’t care less. But, Andi had felt it was important to be here. She had wanted to start making connections. She had been almost close to deciding to run for Congress. And this was the first step. Toby knew she was right. And he had agreed, if only because it meant seeing Claudia.

He looked around the crowded ballroom and saw her. Standing even taller in those damn heels, she looked stunning. The light in her eyes overpowering all the chandeliers in the spacious room. She was talking to her candidate, a woman with absolutely no chance in hell of winning the Governor’s seat.

He excused himself and went to the bar. He knew that Andi wouldn’t miss him at all. He got two glasses of champagne and made his way over to Claudia. She smiled with his approach and met him half way. She took his arm and moved him out onto the balcony. She was radiant, and she knew it.

He could have laughed at her if she hadn’t been so serious about reminding him not to call her “Claudia” in front of anyone. She thought that “CJ” sounded more professional and she was determined to make the change. Toby had smiled and assured her that he would never again call her by her own damn name in public. That had earned him a pinch. And a smile.

He had only had Claudia to himself a few more minutes when she had been called inside to discuss contributions. Toby had watched her throughout the evening. He knew where she was in the room. Even when he had no idea where his own wife was. And he had seen the way the Texas Senator had been watching her as well. He knew about John Hoynes, his record in Congress. And he knew that the Senator was very much married.

Claudia had come to him towards the end of the evening to be sure that they were agreed on the time for breakfast. Toby had debated with himself about asking her. He struggled with his own desires and wants for her and what a friend should do. And in the end he had agreed that eight o’clock was better. He had watched her return to John Hoynes. And his stomach had tied itself into knots.

Andi had been ready to leave. She was tired and just wanted to get back to their hotel room. But, Toby couldn’t seem to move. He had seen them go out to the balcony. And he had watched them come back in. He had followed behind as they left the party. He had felt ridiculous standing behind the potted tree in the lobby as he watched Claudia hesitate at the elevator. Her arms had moved about in an almost frenzy. And then he had seen Hoynes step closer. And Claudia had nodded her head almost imperceptibly. His chest had constricted when the elevator doors had closed.

He knew that he hadn’t given his wife a good reason. She was already feeling the stirrings of jealousy about his friend from Ohio. He knew that Andi felt lessened in Claudia’s presence. But he didn’t care at that moment. So he had put her in a cab and found a chair in the lobby with a view of the elevator bank. And there he had waited the rest of the night.

Until one of the elevators had opened and she had walked out, smoothing her hair. Her eyes had gone wide when she saw him stand. And her steps were shaky as she made her way to him. Her lower lip trembled and she blinked several times. And Toby did the only thing he could. He took CJ by the arm and took her home to shower. And to cry. And to confess to him. Though both had known how inappropriate his role as confessor was.

~*~

As he finishes writing he notices that she has been standing in the doorway. How long she has been there is a mystery to him. And he doesn’t ponder it. He just tears the paper off and folds it carefully. He waits for her to enter the room. And when she does, he notices the way she slumps onto the couch. He’ll wait for her to speak first.

They have been surrounded by silence for at least five minutes, he figures. He watches her out of the corner of his eye. He thinks about how this night will fit into his memory. Knows it will be as vivid as that night ten years ago. He knows that it will seem calmer than the discussion had when the possibility of Hoynes as Vice President had surfaced. It’s not as brief as the one when the Vice President resigned.

It feels to him like that morning after. Heavy with unspoken emotion. The weight of their twisted feelings hovering over both. Making him uncomfortable with her emotions open bare to his view. He knows she suffers when she must expose her vulnerability.

She sighs and he looks at her. Really looks at her face, her eyes. He can’t remember a time that he couldn’t see them perfectly with his eyes closed. She nods towards the folded paper and he shakes his head. He can’t talk about it. He has never been able to say the right words to her. So he goes back on his decision and asks about the press release.

They have worked for thirty-five minutes and they are done. They have successfully ignored the thread that keeps them bound somehow. And they have acted like nothing was out of the ordinary. Like he hadn’t asked if he could drive her earlier. Like she wasn’t grateful for the looks of support and strength that he’s been giving her all day. Like they don’t have this thing between them that keeps them together but prevents them from coming too close.

She moves back to the sofa and stretches her body out. He can hear their words from earlier in the evening.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t have to apologize to me.”

“I don’t have anyone else I can apologize to.”

And he can’t help it. He has to know if that’s true. Suddenly it is the most important thing in the world to him. And so he asks what Ben had to say. And as he listens to the tales of a Park Ranger he realizes that he should have known better. She had said it after all. He knows that he really is the only one to whom she can apologize. The only one who knows everything. Her dreams and fears. Her depth and her love. And her sins. And he knows that if she feels too close that she’ll leave.

But he knows what this job means to her. He knows that she thinks this is the best thing she will ever do. And he knows that she won’t let go of that. Even to run from him.

So he throws the folded paper to her. He ignores the raised eyebrow and watches as she slowly unfolds it as if afraid of what she may find. He sees her hand tremble and follows the progress of one tear as it glides down her face. He counts heartbeats to see how long it takes for her to read. And he feels his own muscles tightening in anticipation. Of what he has no idea.

He looks away when she starts to carefully fold the yellow paper. He can only see her out of the corner of his eye as she stands and puts his letter in her pocket. She sighs once more and tells him that she’s had enough for one day. She’s going home and going to bed. He knows better than to ask if she wants company tonight. He nods and says goodnight.

He has almost everything in his briefcase when she appears again at his door. She has her coat back on and she’s holding her car keys. She does a fairly good impression of him as she shuffles her feet back and forth. She seems quite interested in the floor.

“Night... Claudia.”

She nods and turns. Her voice is a choked whisper and she doesn’t turn back to face him. But he can hear her easily.

“I love you too, Toby.”

He watches her walk away. He knows she might still run. But, not tonight. And now that he has finally said it, or rather, written it, he can’t take it back. So he’ll just have to live with times of feeling uncomfortable. Because she is worth it. And he’s the only one she can apologize to.

The End