Pairing: CJ/Toby

Spoilers: Debate Camp and a minor one for the end of Season Three.

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Maybe she never really wanted him.       

Author’s note: Not the most flattering to CJ, this.

Feedback: Is addictive.

Disclaimers: “I’m wishing and praying.” But, they still don’t belong to me. Aaron Sorkin wrote the “hats” line.

Maybe She Always Knew The Ending

It’s over, she thinks. As she smiles and jokes.

“Yeah. I’m gonna get hats.”

It’s out there now and can’t be taken back. Not that saying it out loud made it any more real than it already was.

Except that it did. For her, at least.

She knew. Before the others. While Charlie was gathering members for “Team Toby”, she was wondering what they would do when they realized the stakes.

Toby had come to her apartment the night before they left for Debate Camp. He wanted to talk.

He had been appropriately solemn. Had seemed somewhat embarrassed. And almost ashamed.

He had explained about the deadline. These things only keep for so long. Andy had asked if he would mind. Of course not. The chance that this would happen, so remote. But, it had. He was going to get Andy to marry him. It was the right thing to do.

CJ had nodded in all the right places. Had tried to smile sincerely.

“Well… congratulations.”

He had left quickly.

She felt as though someone had punched her in the gut. Knocked the wind right out of her. It was over.

CJ had always prided herself on being a sensible woman, a realist. She would just have to face this thing head on. Then, move on.

She had cried. For herself and for Toby, whom she knew would end up hurt. For lost opportunities and what-might-have-beens. For all of twenty minutes.

They had danced around each other for decades. Sometimes connecting, sometimes not.

After the divorce, she had thought that they might just finish the dance. Eventually.

But, he’d switched partners without her noticing. And that stung more, somehow.

They had always been close. Friends, or more. They always, always talked. When had they stopped?

Last May? When her walls got higher out of fear, and then guilt. Or before?

She thinks it was probably a slowly evolving dissolution. And she should have seen the signs. Maybe she had.

But in the back of her mind, carefully hidden away, was a hope for the future. After the administration. Well, it doesn’t matter now.

After the administration, he’ll be with his family. Still. Again.

CJ had always thought that she’d like to be a mother. She had been waiting for the right time. The right man.

But the timing was never right. And neither were the men. Except him. He was right. Her timing was off. Maybe she had just made sure of that.

It’s over, she thinks. The future that had never been planned, much less discussed, belongs to someone else now. Maybe it always had.

She wonders, briefly, if maybe she should have said something before. Maybe then things would be different.

Maybe she’s okay with the way things turned out after all.

She knows that nobody can tell. Not even him. She’s lost another little part of her soul. But, she’s the only one who misses it. Grieves for it. Maybe it’s been gone longer than she realizes.

“Yeah. I’m gonna get hats.”

She smiles and jokes. And closes another door.

The End